24.3 Things To Do Instead of Focusing on Deflategate



Roger Goodell. Tom Brady. Robert Kraft. Ted Wells. Wells Report. Ball Boy. Ball Boy whose name sounds like a hall-of-famer. Football. PSI. Deflategate. Deflategate. DEFLATEGATE.


I’m still tired of it all. It’s been over a week since the Wells Report disrupted our daily lives and it’s driving me CRAZY. It’s a 243-paged dissertation and in an effort to NOT focus on it I’ve come up with 24.3 things we can do instead:

  1. Find Jimmy Hoffa … It’s been decades since his disappearance and we still don’t know where he is
  2. Find the rest of Bill Belichick’s sleeves … I imagine they’re all tucked away somewhere at Gillette
  3. Save Chicago from bankruptcy… please!
  4. Save baseball from boredom … double please!
  5. Bring baseball back to the hood! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
  6. Repair Baltimore … Just grab a broom and dustpan and get to work
  7. Free Adnan
  8. Figure out if Serial is sponsored by “Mail Kimp” or “Mail Chimp” … It’s sad that we still don’t know how to pronounce it!
  9. Donate to the Innocence Project (http://www.innocenceproject.org/) … Help lawyers free the wrongfully convicted
  10. Donate to Donor’s Choose (http://www.donorschoose.org/) … so many schools need help
  11. Hold an intelligent debate on the whereabouts of Pac, Biggie and Princess Di
  12. Hold an intelligent debate on whether its tuna with mayo or mayo with tuna … and yes this is a real debate
  13. Continue to find Jimmy Hoffa … you knowhis mom is worried
  14. Call your mom … you know she’s worried
  15. Tell someone you love that you love him or her … tomorrow is not promised
  16. Apply for that job you always wantedI hear the Bulls are looking for a new head coach and there’s going to be an opening at 1600 Penn Ave come January
  17. Add to your resume that Time Magazine named you “Person Of The Year” in 2006
  18. Read a magazine, any magazineTurn OFF the iPad and run your fingers through the leaflet pages
  19. Congratulate Jason Kidd for making the Bucks relevant
  20. Buy tickets to the 2016 Summer Olympic Games … Heard they went on sale
  21. Send the President a Tweet … Ask him to follow you
  22. Petition the White House to get rid of Valentines Day and establish a 2nd Thanksgiving on February 14th
  23. Petition the White House to get rid of the term “Toddler-gate” … Riley was adorbs!
  24. Find Patrick Kane’s game-winning puck from the 2010 Stanley Cup
    • Ask Kane where he last saw it
    • Ask Chris Pronger why he collected all the pucks after every game
    • Ask Scott Hartnell too! Never trust a man with a perm!

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