Roger Goodell. Tom Brady. Robert Kraft. Ted Wells. Wells Report. Ball Boy. Ball Boy whose name sounds like a hall-of-famer. Football. PSI. Deflategate. Deflategate. DEFLATEGATE.
I’m still tired of it all. It’s been over a week since the Wells Report disrupted our daily lives and it’s driving me CRAZY. It’s a 243-paged dissertation and in an effort to NOT focus on it I’ve come up with 24.3 things we can do instead:
- Find Jimmy Hoffa … It’s been decades since his disappearance and we still don’t know where he is
- Find the rest of Bill Belichick’s sleeves … I imagine they’re all tucked away somewhere at Gillette
- Save Chicago from bankruptcy… please!
- Save baseball from boredom … double please!
- Bring baseball back to the hood! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE!
- Repair Baltimore … Just grab a broom and dustpan and get to work
- Free Adnan
- Figure out if Serial is sponsored by “Mail Kimp” or “Mail Chimp” … It’s sad that we still don’t know how to pronounce it!
- Donate to the Innocence Project (http://www.innocenceproject.org/) … Help lawyers free the wrongfully convicted
- Donate to Donor’s Choose (http://www.donorschoose.org/) … so many schools need help
- Hold an intelligent debate on the whereabouts of Pac, Biggie and Princess Di
- Hold an intelligent debate on whether its tuna with mayo or mayo with tuna … and yes this is a real debate
- Continue to find Jimmy Hoffa … you knowhis mom is worried
- Call your mom … you know she’s worried
- Tell someone you love that you love him or her … tomorrow is not promised
- Apply for that job you always wanted … I hear the Bulls are looking for a new head coach and there’s going to be an opening at 1600 Penn Ave come January
- Add to your resume that Time Magazine named you “Person Of The Year” in 2006
- Read a magazine, any magazine … Turn OFF the iPad and run your fingers through the leaflet pages
- Congratulate Jason Kidd for making the Bucks relevant
- Buy tickets to the 2016 Summer Olympic Games … Heard they went on sale
- Send the President a Tweet … Ask him to follow you
- Petition the White House to get rid of Valentines Day and establish a 2nd Thanksgiving on February 14th
- Petition the White House to get rid of the term “Toddler-gate” … Riley was adorbs!
- Find Patrick Kane’s game-winning puck from the 2010 Stanley Cup
- Ask Kane where he last saw it
- Ask Chris Pronger why he collected all the pucks after every game
- Ask Scott Hartnell too! Never trust a man with a perm!